Due to the longstanding confusion over whether Dairy Queen is for homosexuals or straight people, the legendary burger chain has branched off into two separate franchises. This Saturday, Dairy Queen will no longer be a Queen. It will be Dairy King for all the straight people and Dairy Queer for all the gay people. Dave Burgamont, the head marketing executive of Dairy Queen in Nebraska, home of the original Dairy Queen, is one hundred percent positive that this will clear up any uncertainty that the general public may have about the sexual orientation of Dairy Queen as it streamlines the population into categories of either gay or straight. Dairy Queen has been experiencing problems with it’s name for the past 40 years, and it was only recently made aware that the lag in sales and loss of revenue to other fast food joints like McDonalds and Wendy’s was due to it’s sexual ambiguity. “We thought it was a problem with our burgers.

It wasn’t until we looked closer did we realize that people avoided Dairy Queen because they weren’t sure if it was for gay people or straight people,” explains Burgamont, who has worked with the company for the past 14 years. “Once we figured that out, the solution seemed simple to us – make a gay Dairy Queen and a straight Dairy Queen.” “Our sales researchers found a whole smorgasbord of crap when they really looked at the numbers and figures and got down to the nitty gritty of who was buying what at Dairy Queen and why,” explains Mark McGhan, a marketing researcher and mathematician for Dairy Queen. It turns out that only 10 percent of straight men will buy an ice cream cone from Dairy Queen, compared to 60 percent of straight men at McDonalds, Wendy’s and Burger King. “Burger King actually had 65 percent of straight men buying ice cream cones, which is where we got the idea for Dairy King,” says Burgamont. “We copied them. But it doesn’t look obvious because Dairy Queen is pretty close to Dairy King.” Compared with the data for gay people, the results are tell-all. A whopping 97 percent of gay men shop at Dairy Queen over any other fast food restaurant. “This is a good thing,” says Shirley Moberrton, head of Sales for the new Dairy Queer. “But we don’t want to isolate straight people from Dairy Queen. And we want to celebrate these gay men coming to our restaurant. That’s why we branched into two separate entities. It’s that simple.” So simple, in fact, that the fast food joint may house Dairy King and Dairy Queer beneath one single roof, and have separate lineups for Dairy King and Dairy Queer.

“We will definitely open some restaurants that have one side Dairy King and one side Dairy Queer,” says Moberrton. “Essentially everything on the menu has the same ingredients. We might call them different things, like a dick cone instead of a dip cone, but our creative side is working on that end of it.” Did Dairy Queen always have this problem? It turns out, no. Up until the mid-1960s, Dairy Queen had the same numbers for ice cream that every other fast food joint had. It wasn’t until the word “queen” became associated with homosexuality did Dairy Queen suffer a loss in the sales of ice cream cones and other frozen treats.

It continued downhill as fast food joints that did not traditionally sell ice cream began offering malts, sundaes, and even ice cream cones along with all the burgers on their menus. “Manly men just don’t want to go to a place called Dairy Queen. It’s too gay. It sounds gay and it implies something they are uncomfortable with. So we’re fixing the problem and making them feel manly again,” explains Ross Rennington, Creative director for Dairy King. “We’re also glad to be losing the “Q” which looked like a giant cock for a good five year span back in the nineties.” The “King” in Dairy King will feature the K wearing a pimpish crown of jewels and a handlebar moustache.