August 13, 2014

Killjoy, CA

 The Brotherhood of Relentless Nitpickers and The United Federation of Superior Methods, commonly known as the "Yeah, But(ters),' and ',You Shoulda(s)," respectively, have finally sealed a merger deal after more than four decades of negotiation (41.874 years, according to half of the union's members, 4.1874 decades according to the other half). Plagued throughout history by infighting and increasingly-annoyed colleagues, family members and random citizens, the BRN and UFSM began to hold joint meetings in the 1961 to discuss possible solutions to their dwindling ranks and rising hostility from non-members. Several votes and recounts throughout the decade led to an agreement by both unions to begin merger negotiations in 1966, which fell apart several times in the ensuing years over whether the act was an actual merger, a consolidation, a partnership or a confederation. After several members of both the BRN and UFSM succumbed to aneurisms and mysterious disappearances in early 2002, leadership on both sides agreed to a speedy vote on terminology and bylaws, resulting in a prompt decision and final ratification today.

In a rare moment of unfettered enthusiasm, Fred Fink, President of the new Union of Constructive Criticizers, electrified the stage of the Killjoy Arena as he unleashed an imaginary karate-chop and a bit of air guitar, shouting crazily as he declared this day to be beginning of a brave new era of reactive nagging. "Finally, our members have the strength and backing to be confident when they instinctively interrupt or follow every co-worker's or family member's comments with 'Yeah, but...' or '...You shoulda done it this way...' No longer will we live in fear of offering criticisms or counterpoints during every single verbal interaction with another human being. No longer will we hesitate when we claim, legitimately or otherwise, to have 'a better way.' Today, my friends, we march proudly toward the in-progress projects of those we know and declare that the house going up down the street should have been built farther back, the half-finished portraits being sketched by our sons and daughters at kitchen tables would look better with this-or-that, and the summer's warm weather is nice, but doesn't allow us to wear our parkas. Today we are the Constructive Criticizers!

Vice President Marty Jasons looked on smiling, immediately adding that the UCC should have been called the Federation of Naggers, and that the UCC's charter technically takes effect at midnight.

Treasurer James Criffel commented ",Yeah, but we can still do union stuff today, even before midnight."

Fink went on to highlight some upcoming UCC business, which includes lobbying Congress to revoke what the UCC deems a cruel, arcane 1987 law that allows naggers and criticizers to be silenced during conversations by having any object no larger than a grapefruit inserted into their mouths for the duration of  the discussion (the law was amended in 1992 to include any "available" orifice, to avoid potential difficulties with aiming solely for the mouth). An effort to craft an official logo will also be underway as soon as UCC members agree on whether to call it a logo, graphic or herald.