Dell Corporation Stock rose sharply on Monday after an announcement that they would be marketing a line of products designed for the sterilization of men. For the past several months extensive recalls due to questions about the safety of the oft-overheating batteries has lead to record losses for the company. In a Monday press conference the company was pleased to tell shareholders that they have finally found a market for the millions of overheating Inspiron laptops flooding the market. Starting next week thousands of Inspiron units will be shipped over to China, where they are to be resold under the description "hassle free sterilization device".

The unknown sterilization abilities of the Inspiron laptop were first found by Chuck Preston, of Georgia, who realized that he had lost the ability to father children after he placed his Inspiron atop his lap for a short period of time. Preston says, "I was just surfing the web, and all of the sudden I felt this tingling, at first I couldn’t place my finger on what was happening but then my khakis started smoking…my laptop had just scorched my wang! I was mad at first but then I realized I had just found the solution to overpopulation! Hold your junk to this battery for like five seconds and BAM, your sperm is no longer in the gene pool! Sure it hurts a little, but hey it’s a lot cheaper than getting your tubes cut!”

When Preston called a representative with this idea he was immediately rerouted to a line in which he could speak to the board of directors. Charles Nesmith, Head of the Board, told reporters "This young man is a genius! This innovation will increase the profitably of this company by threefold! Preston has been offered a position as a consultant and he has already submitted some very impressive ideas to us! With Preston in our ranks who knows where this company will go next! Perhaps an MP3 player pregnancy test, or a LCD based contraceptive!"

These exciting new developments have rushed other companies to bring their own reproductive-hygiene/technology products to the market. Steve Jobs, of Apple announced a new line of Ipod Nano/Anal Douches and Microsoft has begun to advertise the “bidet/lightgun attachment” for the XBOX 360. Technology journalists have already declared these exciting products as the newest breakthrough in home technology. Bill Wight, of CNET, said in a recent article, “I for one love this new fusion of technology and personal hygiene. I’m personally holding out for a smart phone that will both delight me with its innovative features and wipe my ass!”