Belmont Sands, California - A groundbreaking study at Duck Island Laboratories appears to shed new light on insect behavior, intellect and flight patterns. DIL Chairman Dr. William Eyecorn declared insects' maddening and suicidal habit of flying directly at oncoming vehicles during evening hours to be a direct result of the infiltration of British insects into the bulk of the American insect population at some point in the 1820s. Eyecorn's team of scientists learned that the British insects eventually overtook their colonial counterparts and became the dominant species of irritating organism on this side of the Atlantic. The key to the bugs' destructive habits was eventually discovered to be their unrelenting propensity for moving or flying to the left of every opposing object they encountered; insects cloned from the DNA of the original American populations were found to lack this trait during road testing. Eyecorn and his associates found that driving their cars in the left lane at night (on a closed, controlled track near Los Angeles) resulted in no insect collisions, while tests performed in the right lane consumed three gallons of windshield washer fluid in a one-hour period. Similar trials performed near Manchester confirmed Eyecorn's theory: bugs fly in the left lane.

A startling discovery a few miles off the Georgia coast during a routine scuba trip in 2006 to explore sunken British vessels of the era led Eyecorn to initiate the study.  Eyecorn noticed during the dive that nearly every fly, moth, wasp and other winged insect was contained in a heap around a lantern on the ship's port side. Finding this odd, Eyecorn explored the entire starboard side of the wreck and found not one insect corpse. The insect remains retrieved by Eyecorn and his fellow divers were carefully packaged in clear resin cubes and transported to DIL for examination.

Eyecorn identified a total of twelve insect species salvaged from the H.M.S Bouffant and the HMS Periwillow, two wig repair ships reported to have been scuttled moments after they collided with each other during an unsanctioned attack on the United States by the ships' commanders in 1822, reportedly as revenge for the deplorable tea the men were served during their detention as prisoners-of-war in 1812.  Dr. Eyecorn then gathered the insects' modern, living descendents from locations across the United States and the United Kingdom for comparison.

Tragedy struck enroute when one of the tractor-trailers carrying the insects was involved in a devastating traffic accident near Phoenix, Arizona, resulting in the loss of the bulk of that vehicle's cargo, most of which was later found for sale in area roadside stands and hospital gift shops. No charges have yet been filed. The remaining convoy survived the journey to Belmont Sands intact.