What will celebrities do next? Cancer, of course!  It’s quickly replacing male pregnancy as the faddest trend in the long, repetitive stream of things celebrities will do for attention.  Stars and starlets alike are doing everything they can to get cancer, including buying it on the black market and paying doctors to implant it into their bodies so they don’t have to get it on their own.  Dr. Vincent Steinhower, a skin doctor in West Hollywood, cautions the daring celebrities, saying that the cancer could lead to death.  Many doctors, including plastic surgeons in Hollywood, will not perform the cancer implantations.  But celebrities are willing to risk their lives for it.  Burt Reynolds purportedly violated the terms of a nuclear power plant tour when he drank some electromagnetic plutonic fluid from one of the huge tubs of radiation housed in the plant.  He is reportedly fine, and upset that he remains cancer free. 

Why are the celebrities trying to get cancer? One pretty obvious reason is that celebrity moms are trying to have hair like their babies, who are bald up until about the age of one. But there are several other, less obvious but certainly no less significant reasons why celebrities are trying to get cancer.  “People like Lance Armstrong definitely got way cooler after they had cancer, or at least the world believes”, explains Dr. Jerry Wompton, PhD, a social psychologist in Winnipeg, MB, Canada.  Armstrong has banged a lot of babes with only one ball.  That’s usually a turn off for women.  But Lance has got something about him.  “He’s got a new glean in his eye for life, something he didn’t have before he got cancer.  It’s as though he went up against the universe, and won, and now he gives fuck all. He’s gonna have fun on this planet, even with only one ball.  That’s something a lot of us ought to consider.  Even Patrick Swayze, God look at the guy.  We thought the Chippendales stint he did on SNL was a joke?  Now he owns his own Chippendales studio, which gives other gay and straight men alike the chance to follow their dreams.  He doesn’t care if he’s being cheesy – he had cancer, and he’s going to do what he wants to do.”  

But what about the fear of possible death by the cancer once implanted into the body?  Aren’t celebrities worried that their own cancer will kill them in this already risky procedure? “Eh, cancer is curable,” says Dr. Leszvenovf Veinotropst, a northern European doctor and botanist who cured Sinead O’connor of her cancer back in 1994.  “There are several cures for cancer.   There are several species of plant found in South America, Africa, and right even in your own America that cure cancer.  Not to mention you don’t even need plants.  There’s meditation you can do to cure cancer.  This isn’t news, people.  Chemotherapy and radiation actually make you” –BANG (*At this point in the interview, Dr. Vienotropst was sniped off by someone on an eighth floor balcony of the Cancer Institute).

Madonna, Jared Leto, Gwyneth Paltrow, her husband from Coldplay, and Ashlee Simpson all currently have full blown cancer, and are all walking around sporting their headscarves to let everyone know it.  It’s even rumored that Jessica Simpson, being the chubbier and more jealous sister, is going in for breast cancer sometime in early March, in order to compete with her now 85 pound, bald-like-baby sister, Ashlee.  This newest trend in cancer will also give celebrities the opportunity to start reality TV shows that chronicle their cancer battles.  Many doctors and researchers fear that the cancer trend will spread to the general public, but Dr. Wompton questions whether it would be that bad.  “I’m thinking about getting cancer myself.  I want a reason to live too.”