Episode 22

Recently I read a book, The Sociopath Next Door, which came recommended by a cousin who once owned a social working business (phd background in psychology).  It was recommended after a few questions regarding my ex (that's a whole other book onto itself).  Thankfully, despite what she knows are obstacles and hardships, my cousin remarks that my kids seem to be doing very well. She commends me on my parenting skills and techniques (none of us gets a road map in the nursery), remarking that I've done a great job in raising them (to me the comment is, thus far, since they're not on their own as yet. I still have another six years or so before I'll finally breath easily and sleep well).

I know what she's refering to. I am a divorcee who left a marriage when the kids were still young, but also after 17 years of living with a sociopath. Others have flipped out and checked out on the kids along with the marriage. Not me, I'm a tough broad. I raised these kids in NYC, getting them through a fancy private school and a once priveledge lifestyle most will never know of, navigated through extreme exposures to sex, drugs, and alcohol abuse as well as other outside meddling including my place of worship, the media, peer pressure, but also a school's philosophy (they invite speakers, like Micheal Moore who does not belong in front of youth without prior parental consent forms.  When was the last time any parent was given a parental consent form for anything other than a field trip? Think about it).

I've kept my kids out of the auditorium and other organized, theoretical sanctuaries, when I think the exposure is counter to my beliefs or values. I've gone to great lengths to protect my children. Once I'd written the parent body at the elite private school my daughter attends when a few years back one classmate was sexually accosted (better not happen to my kid else the matter will be handled by my attorney. It's called a "keep your hands to yourself" policy).  For my daughter it was like sending in a challenger to face Goliath. But she was prepared. I gave my daughter specific instruction how to handle the next day at school. What happened? The kids were not angry with my daughter they only wanted to know if they were in trouble (I did not give names in my email, just events).  Interesting how many had guilty consciences. Another time I told one rabbi she had chutzpah to try to speak with my daughter before asking for my permission to dish out meals at her soup kitchen (did it dawn on the rabbi that going in and out of the facility does not provide security for the kids, with Central Park across the street!). I've told my kids I would not give Hollywood my money to see Charlie's Angel explaining that the advertisement was objectionable (the starletts, in busties, were shown spreading their legs across a ballet bar); not appropriate ideals to set before kids (my kids are not toys for others or vice versa). I gave my kids sensible rules. I invented 3 strikes you're out (which helped me to temper my own anger as well). It worked all the way through High School. And, I gave my kids tools to help them deal with peer pressure ("call me to say you've forgotten to feed the dog as a tip off you want me to tell you that you're in trouble and must come home" - a get me out of here method that enables the kids to save face in front of the others). My kids got the message; safety was paramount, people are not toys, and to think for themselves.

As to me, I have the grey hairs to show I've put in the time, and have done so by setting forth good example. I stayed at home to have dinner with the kids every night. I've helped with homework regularly incl. high school papers which needed editting, I do not bring men I date into my home, only bonafide friends (those who live up to my high standards). And I do not teach my kids that children tend to adults, including me (adults help adults - those who are equipped to). They can help out friends, after they've done their own tidings, and not worry about their mom (who they've seen beat some very bad odds). 

I have household rules too; I do not wipe tushies for kids over two. If you think my rules makes me a hard person, you are very wrong. My kids and I have had a ton of fun and many cherished memories. I have my quirks which they love to poke fun of (they even have names for my now sagging body parts).  But it's channeled and there's a limit where the playfulness ends.  We play Chinese Checkers and Scrabble, Barbie (who always had a daily planner to tend to) and Monopoly, Spit (a high speed card game) and Milborne (a driving card game), while at the same time my kids have not been able to ignore politics, religion (especially given all the wars which have plagued their youth) and economics. They know the world is a tough place, not all fun and games; they do not live in LaLa Land. My kids are rarely reimbuncious or bored. They're engaged in life. They partake in sports 'cause it's a great way to work off stress and also keep them busy (out of other trouble).  They learn life skills in sports, to be a part of a team and strategy. 

One daughter decided to be a cheerleader. It's not what you think. My cousin inquired, "so she's popular with the boys?" To which I replied, "not really" (she has lots of friends, no boyfriend though she'd like one). Then she asked, "so she's popular at school?" To which I replied, "not really," again. I explain it's a small school and the kids are somewhat like siblings. They love each other but keep a little distance (in order to have their own identity) as with all their relationships.  Then she asks, "so she's happy there?" I explain that she's happy enough and understands the world is not made of only teens.  She has her eye on both the big and small picture. My cousin is impressed.

Lastly, she asks about how the kids are within the economic context of their lives. Again I explain that they know they have it good, and that everything in life is relative.  They understand that money does not dispense freely from mom's magical cash machine. They understand it takes a lot to live the life they've had afforded for them. They understand and desire to grow into their own. They understand they make their own bed in life, which they will lie in (and that short cuts will catch up to those who take them). But, at the same time, they know as their mom I fear the world we give them. We know the abuse and subsequent damage done by some sociopathic corporate and government heads. They now know the signs of sociopaths (which I did not) and to avoid them. They know life is about lessons and that intelligence is not what one is taught but rather what is learned. 

I explain to my cousin that my time with the kids has always been special; every minute. I tell her how I wish I could have more time with them now that they're moving into their own. She's a professional. She's a mother. She also divorced a sociopath.