Downloadable food seemed like such a great idea when Applesoft introduced it in 2105 but I prefer to order my beef-flavored sustenance packets the old fashioned way – by text messaging Wal-Mart.

The easiest way to tell if someone’s a morning person is the setting on his or her Jogbot. My neighbor’s Jogbot is set to “companion” so it casually jogs alongside her while commenting on the weather and complimenting her hair. My Jogbot is set to “boot camp” which means I often “forget” to recharge that robotic asshole's battery.

Liberals complained when the world government started recording dreams but what are we going to do - repeal the Anti-Imagination Act of 2097? Dream on, hippies - right into Uncle Sam's sleep helmets!

Online museums are a great way to learn about history. I logged onto the Coca-Cola museum recently and learned that for several decades in the 20th and 21st centuries they took out the cocaine. How crazy is that? That’s like McDonalds removing the anti-depressants from their cheeseburgers!

Don’t you hate it when the Skytrain is delayed for track re-magnetization, you miss the last Airavan, and you can’t even flag down a Cloudcab? There’s no choice but to return to your residence pod and watch the game on your diamond screen TV because what else can you do? Take the elevator down to the surface and ride the ground bus? I’d rather be raped by a gaggle of hipposharks!

My favorite holiday meal is either Thanksgiving turkey or the barbeque Moleman ribs we eat for Emperor Schwarzeneggar Day.

Everyone’s grandfather is a little racist. I was watching TV when Muurgon Heti, the local Flargon newscaster, came on and my grandpa yelled, “Go back to Yurtack 9, you button-faced coal-feeder!” My grandpa used to work in the Flargon district and he was mind-robbed a few times so his prejudice is kind've justified.

The dinosaur section of the Zoo is okay but my favorite is the section with re-animated people from the past. Last week, I saw George Washington build a raft out of mattress parts and ford the tiny stream that runs through the middle of his cage. He was screaming something about freedom and justice to me but I can’t remember specifics because I was too busy trying to catch a glimpse of his stupid wooden teeth!

Whenever I go to the hospital to get my arteries flushed I bring along a triple bacon burrito burger from Kentucky Fried Wendy’s and eat it right in front of the nurse. I like to play gags on the working class because they kind've deserve it for not having an intergalactic trust fund.