With record-low attendance, no TV contract and sagging national interest, the National Hockey League felt like it needed to make some big changes to save the league. And yesterday they made a major announcement hoping to do just that. Starting next season, each team will now have seven players on the ice instead of the usual six. The catch: that seventh player will not be wearing skates but will be riding a motorcycle. He will act as a rover, and be allowed to carry the puck and throw it into the net. All the league arenas will be scrambling this summer to make minor renovations to their rinks, beacause a gas pump will have to be added to the end of both team’s bench.

The league is in desperation mode, after falling to 13th in the country’s sports consciousness, behind the NFL, Major League Baseball, the NBA, NASCAR, wrestling, rodeo, Arena Football, skateboarding, motocross, surfing, ballroom dancing and the newly televised leisurely stroll competitions. After expanding up to 48 teams, the league is now down to 12. The ill-fated eight-team Mexican Division just never caught on―the Mexico City Amigos drew only 900 fans in their final season (and 800 of those showed up for Enchilada Suiza Night). Plus the ice kept melting in the arenas as they couldn’t afford air-conditioning. The Honolulu Alohas had to be disbanded because hundreds of visiting players refused to go back to the mainland―acting like Cuban defectors, they fled their teams and disappeared into the Hawaiian night. One of the fleeing players was Sydney Crosby, who was only two goals away from breaking Wayne Gretzky’s goal-scoring record, and was overheard saying, “Screw the record. Pittsburgh’s too damn cold.” He hasn’t been heard from since.

Even some of the age-old traditions have taken a beating lately. The practice of each member of the Stanley Cup–winning team getting a day with the Cup following their championship season has fallen by the wayside. In the past, the Cup has been to the bottom of swimming pools, paraded through bars and even appeared on TV talk shows. But in the summer of 2025, a money-strapped member of the New York Trumps (formerly the Rangers, but, of course, Jim Dolan lost the team, along with the Knicks, Madison Square Garden and Cablevision, to Donald Trump in a poker game) sold the trophy on eBay, and the person who procured it has disappeared. A new Cup is handed out to the winning team, but now they skate around the ice with it once then hand it right back. It is then kept under lock and key, with a Canadian Royal Mountie guarding it 24/7.

With the new rule, the NHL is now counting on attracting the NASCAR/motocross crowd and people who really, really like violence. New commissioner Sean Avery said, “This will give the league more of a Rollerball feel. Of course, the cyclist can be penalized like all the other players, but if they kill somebody, so be it. That will be a five-minute major penalty, so it’s not like they’re getting away with murder.”